I hate who I am... is this me?

It all started out so easy. When you believe one thing, you sort of stick with it, if you get what I mean. The problem that goes with this is that you can start to see your own lies as truth. It never lasts. Eventually someone will come around and make you realise how wrong you actually are, you will start to see how you had mistaken this lie for the truth, and see how deep the hole that comes with it actually is. I realised it long ago, but it’s hard to accept. You start to hate yourself, start to lie, fib and lie some more.  You feel it is unfair that you have been stuck in this position. Let me tell you something now that nothings fair, and most of all life is never fair, but you have to make use of it while you can. I have never made use of it – not in this situation anyway. I can’t even say it. I try and speak, but the words that I’m meaning to say will not come out of my mouth. It’s like they refuse to come out, keeping them locked in. I understand why though, I have realised how much I wouldn’t want that humiliation, not for myself, after all I’ve done to fight against it. I hate myself. I hate who I am, I hate how I look, and I hate everything about me. It’s just not fair how people find it so easy to get along with life, when every day starts with a battle for me to get the courage to get out of bed.

'Only the good die young'

The way i see it is, if i keep going on like this, i could run away and no one would notice. I would hide in plain sight, anywhere, no one would look, let alone find me. Everything is over thought, especially by me. I hear one bad thing about anyone i know and I’ll panic, think over and over again what happened. It’s not my place to judge most of the time either, I’m just purely that rude. I will die soon, i don’t have a disease, i just can imagine it happening. I didn’t think I’d live past high school for some reason, but here i am. You know what they say, only the good die young. How stuck up of me to say so. When Billy Joel wrote that song, he was talking about a boy who wants a catholic girl to lose her virginity to him, so he tries convincing her to do so. It is in no way like my life, but the title, well, the title has it’s importance when you use it to mean something different. I guess most sayings do though.

The start of my book.

The phone begins to ring, bleating like a sheep aware of imminent danger. Bleat. Bleat. There seems to be no stopping it without having to pick up to the ruthless caller on the other end. I wouldn’t want to do that though, seeing as I know fully well who the caller is. Bleat. Bleat. My parents are in, but ignorant of everything, after they’ve drank enough (which seems to be every night).Bleat. Bleat. This constant ringing is giving me a headache; I must clear my head of what’s been going on. I leave the house to escape it all, just in time to miss my mother barking ‘You ruined my life!’ at my dad at around the same time as every other day. The only place I know to go is to the church. As a well-established atheist, it wouldn’t be the first choice, but I’m sure Father Geoffrey won’t mind me venting to him, knowing how lonely he gets in his old age.

As I reach the church down the road, I see a new banner saying ‘God will forgive your sins’ and in the small print underneath, it adds ‘if you go to church for every service’. I wasn’t aware Christianity had gotten so desperate. I reach the confessional. With a quick sigh and a cough beforehand, I enter.

Words don’t come out, and this is clearly a place where I am required to talk. I run out. Walking home, I start to think of what I would’ve said:

‘There’s something in her breath that I’m addicted to. How is it that when I hear her name, I go back to her every time? When she speaks to me, always randomly, my heart drags its way back into her hands. This has never been my choice. Maybe at first I could blame myself, but now… well, now i can’t help it and it leaves me in this pit of despair and memories. She did something to me, and I don’t know what, but all I want is for it to stop so I can live my life again. It’s becoming way too hard to do so.’

I know life is tough, and as a younger person I have witnessed so many people changing around me. For example, the person on the other side of the phone was Caoimhe. Ever since her father was diagnosed with cancer, she hasn’t been the same – distant, depressive, and then sometimes clingy and loving, which doesn’t fit us, as that’s not how we act as a couple. I know it’s bad to avoid calls and avoid meetings with her, especially when she wants me to meet her dad (by his request), I don’t know, I just don’t think I can rope myself in with it all. By now she must know I can’t be with her, I have tried too hard to avoid her, but she seems like a magnet, one that I am strongly attracted to.

I have been patient with her, but no longer. I can’t do it – I know how much pain she’ll be in and when I move up the stages, she won’t be able to cope with the pain of looking after myself and her father. I have Parkinson’s disease. I haven’t told many people, but I’m in stage one at the moment and it isn’t too obvious, just now and again I receive a strange look from someone because my hand is shaking, or a pull a strange facial expression, and because of this, I’m what people call ‘weird’.

I am 23. You may have been thinking that I am a younger, possibly teenage person from the information I have given you so far about myself , for example the fact I still live at home, or that I called myself  a ‘younger person’ – but to be honest, 23 is not particularly old. I had an average childhood with average friends and average grades, although nothing about me really screams average anymore.

The fall of the sanity battlements

I hate people. Not all people, just certain types. Yes i did say types. You see, there are, shall we say, genres that people fall into, for example i hate ‘chindies’. ‘Chindies’ are those who believe that it is alright to wear cheap knock-off versions of clothing that has proven popular with the ‘indie’ scene and that, by wearing one or more of the said clothing makes them a better person. We know straight away that these people are false. let’s face it, they will have a hip-hop or an r’n’b album stashed somewhere it their room, or even show and claim they bought it as a joke. i hate these people because they deface the tarnished name that is indie, and ruins what it stands for (or rather, what it doesn’t stand for), by making it seem mainstream, when really the pop chart that they love and play repeatedly at mindless crappy parties, is the real mainstream crap out there.

Depression.

You bring yourself down and stay there, sitting at rock bottom. What can you do? multiple things, but nothing seems like it will work so you throw it aside and wait for someone, anyone to pick you up. You can say ‘this is stupid, i’m acting stupidly’, but never the less, it feels like someone has turned the lights off in your head. darkness grows. This someone is the cause of why you are feeling this way, maybe that someone is you. The only way to get up from being down, is to be certain that you can get back up again, believe in yourself, take confidence and move on. why dwell in the past when the future hasn’t been written yet? Pick a song. a song that you love and keep playing it. in these bad situations, play the song again and again in your head. keep strong, keep confident


(I also post things suck as these on my tumblr page - http://breakthisibreakyou.tumblr.com/ if you would like to see more.)

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Pretend (love).

I'm a pretender. We all are to be honest. Our generation fakes everything; feelings, what we like, what we dislike, even how we look. What's the point in it? the point is to fit in, and if you don’t pretend you show you’re true, upset, depressed, less attractive self. You become stripped down. People like you because you pretend, so would they still like you if you were 100% yourself? I guess we’ll never know.Then again, it's known that life is easier when you're part of a ‘we’ and no longer just a lonely ‘I’. This is even when that ‘we’ or 'us' part is you and your friend, and not necessarily a relationship between two people attracted to each other. In the words of the almighty Beatles, ‘All you need is love’. This word, 'love' we speak of is universal, that means that it can be taken on to mean anything and everything, who you love doesn't matter, as long as it's someone who you find that you cannot live without. When you figure this out, then wouldn't life start to fall into place? Be your own human guinea pig and test the theory, decide your own fate.


”the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly
what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have
you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your
arse.” - Juno